Message in a Bottle

Peace

2009-08-05T12:11:00.002-04:00

The last few months have been...hard. FYI: Birth control screws with your hormones and can make you a stark raving lunatic. Yaz did it to me. But they don't tell you that in the commercials. I'm off of that stuff and will never go on BC again.

Right now, everything just seems calmer, more peaceful, in a groove. I had lost about 20 lbs but I've put about 10 back on. I'm working on it. Everything else is just flowing. My and Jerry's relationship is really good. Is it possible to have a better marriage? I don't think so. The boys are growing and doing big things. It seems like bedtime comes way too soon every night. Work is just work, and I'm trying not to let it stress me out too much. I'm helping out with the high school band but I'm definitely not in charge anymore. I've lost some matter of respect, but in return I have gained the ability to drop it at a moment's notice to do whatever I need to do. I feel like I have a freedom that I have never had since I started teaching.

You only get one shot at life. Tkae more time to do those things that you will look back and say, "I'm glad I did that."

Resolutions

2009-01-01T20:59:00.002-05:00

I hesitate to put these in print (bad luck), but I've got so many of them this year that I need to keep track of them.

1) Walk 20 minutes every day.
2) NO SODA. Water instead.
3) Eat better.
4) 1+2+3 = Lose 50 pounds.
5) Start Master's degree.
6) More family time (including dinner at table, outside time)
7) Keep house clean (routine)

Add more later.

Changes Ahead

2007-10-05T06:36:00.000-04:00

So the new baby is due in about 2 months. It seems like the time has really flown by. It didn't go this fast with Landon. It feels like I haven't done a single thing to get ready. I'm going to turn around soon and this kid is going to be here, and I won't know what to do with myself. I'm really nervous about making the transition to two kids. Right now it works well, if something is going on, Landon can go to Jerry, or to me, to give the other person time, a break, etc. With two we're both going to be doing it full-time. I can't even imagine going to the store by myself with both kids....I can't even keep up with Landon. I'm really not looking forward to making all those formula bottles again. (And no, I'm not a bad mom - I do try to breastfeed but last time Landon almost starved because I didn't make enough - and I cried my eyes out about it. Not this time - who cares as long as the kid eats??) I'm not looking forward to the sleepless nights. And I'm really not looking forward to how much harder my life is going to be.

All these negatives. What am I looking forward to? Holding Lennox in my arms. Seeing Landon kiss his little brother. Seeing our family expand and know that it's the way it was meant to be.

I'm just so danged tired. Between band and the baby I'm absolutely frazzled. I need a break, but that's not going to happen right now. I'm looking forward to my six weeks off from school.

As time goes by

2007-04-21T11:28:00.000-04:00

As time goes by, I realize some things:

1. I'm going to die someday, and that really scares me. I don't ever want this ride to be over.
2. I believe in God, I know he's there...but I don't know whether to trust all the things that have been told to me. How can the Bible be perfect? It was written by humans.
3. I'm never going to be skinny. And you know what? I'm okay with that.
4. It is impossible to make other people make better decisions. Some will only realize their mistakes with time, and some will always live in ignorance.
5. To quote the movie American Beauty, "this country is going straight to hell." I see it everyday...the US and the world are degenerating into self-destruction.
6. The best we can do is enjoy our time while we are here. We never know when our time will be up, and we don't know what's waiting for us on the other side.

I'm so lazy

2007-01-26T06:54:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I posted a blog. Guess that tells you a couple of things: 1) I'm damn inconsistent 2) I'm damn lazy, and 3) I'm damn busy. Lots of things have happened in the past year. My little boy is now 17 months old and getting into EVERYTHING. My husband and I took new jobs together at a middle school/high school, just like we always wanted. It's an uphill battle right now (I've learned NO WHERE is perfect) but we've got a lot of things going for us. Right now the biggest thing is that the county does next to nothing to help its band programs. We only get $9 per student, per year, to run our program. That doesn't help at all.

Gotta get ready for work. Maybe write more later?

The Day After

2006-03-10T10:27:00.000-05:00

Last night I watched a very disturbing movie called The Day After on the Sci-Fi channel. I don't normally watch Sci-Fi but there were slim pickings after American Idol. Apparently it was a TV movie from 1983 in which Kansas (and, I guess the rest of the world) is decimated by nuclear war. In the midst of all the charred skin, though, I found myself laughing, remembering Christopher Walken talk about the Soviets and so forth in Blast From the Past. That guy scares the crap out of me. Except for the "More Cowbell" skit of course....pure genius.

If You Knew the Real Me...

2006-02-21T10:58:00.000-05:00

You know, sometimes I wish we really COULD wear our hearts on our sleeves, so that people know what you are really like deep down inside. Too often people make hasty judgments about you based on their previous experiences. Like, people assume that everyone they meet are underhanded, or jerks. Let me tell you about an experience I had this morning.

My son had a fever this morning, so I drove him to the doctor to wait for my husband to join us, so I could go on to work. I pulled in to the doctor's office next to this blue van and noticed the lady inside was taking her baby from the carseat. My son was being fussy, so I was going to get him out and have him sit with me in the front seat until the doctor opened up. I opened the door and it was a tight squeeze between me and the van (the parking spaces are very small). I was careful getting out but then my door squeaked and opened more, tapping her van. I looked down to see if there was any damage, couldn't see any, and went around to get my son out so that I could say something to her by the time she got out of the van. Well, I just about had him out when she called over to me, "You know, you can be more careful about getting out of your car." I responded with a sincere apology...I asked, "I couldn't see anything, did I scrape your van?" She answered with a nasty "Yes, you did." I said I was very sorry and even offered to pay for it, but she said no. She then said, "You didn't think I was in there, did you?" Like I was trying to get away with something.

This is why I wish strangers could know the real "us." If she knew the real me, she'd know that I feel terrible about what happened. That I won't stop thinking about it for a week, or longer. That I would have paid whatever it cost to make her have a better day. Not that I was some jerk looking to get away with marking up a vehicle. We were both stressed out with sick children this morning and we didn't need a confrontation with each other to make it worse.

I promise, this will bother me for a long time. And honestly, I'm trying not to judge this woman. Maybe she's sweet as pie most of the time and was just having a crappy morning. But I know that I NEVER intentionally try to make someone else feel like crap.

50 Things About Me

2005-12-01T12:30:00.000-05:00

So, yeah, I stole this idea from Bored Housewife, so shoot me. I don't think I can come up with 69 interesting (or semi-interesting) things about me...let me try 50.

1. I hate celery.
2. I love wearing brown.
3. I clip coupons but never use them.
4. I get the hiccups...a lot.
5. I drink too much soda.
6. I like Post-It Notes.
7. I got mostly straight As in school.
8. I am a high school band director.
9. Monkeys are my favorite animal. (Orangutans and apes included).
10. I don't like wearing socks.
11. I play the clarinet, among other things.
12. I have a wonderful husband named Jerry.
13. My little boy Landon is the cutest baby in the world.
14. I grew up in Tennessee, but live in North Carolina now.
15. I want to get my Master's Degree and Doctorate someday.
16. I wish my hair was naturally red.
17. The Notebook (movie) made me sob uncontrollably.
18. I like smelly good things (candles, body spray, etc)
19. I have a weakness for Dr. Pepper-flavored lip gloss.
20. My biggest character flaw is that I'm disorganized.
21. I fear heights, stinging things, and counterfeit money.
22. I wish I could travel to Europe, but doubt I'll ever have the money to do so.
23. To me, coffee isn't good unless it's made in a French press.
24. I have never flown in an airplane.
25. I like taking pictures...a lot.
26. I make lists of things to do and then ignore them.
27. My favorite color is red. (Previous answers: purple, green, and brown)
28. The best thing I cook is lasagna.
29. I don't make my bed unless my mom is around.
30. I hate Mariah Carey.
31. I'm inconsistent.
32. I like fried chicken but I tell my husband that I don't.
33. I wish that I could live in a cabin in the mountains.
34. I'm addicted to the Internet.
35. I've always loved to read.
36. My favorite song is "Fields of Gold" by Sting.
37. I'm constantly torn between an earnest desire to lose weight and a sincere passion for food.
38. I think it's really dumb when new mothers won't let anyone even touch their babies.
39. I've seen every episode of Seinfeld.
40. When I was younger, I used to fantasize about making love on the beach...now I just think how uncomfortable that would be!
41. I REALLY hate rap....the kind that's "bang-my-hoes-and-shoot-up-the-neighborhood"...it ain't music.
42. I've always loved pens and pencils and used to have a huge collection, before my husband and I did a "Clean Sweep."
43. My husband's and my first date was my high school graduation.
44. I quote movies on a daily basis.
45. It doesn't bother me to give blood.
46. My first car was a white '89 Ford Mustang.
47. I don't pick up pennies if they're tails-up.
48. I don't send out Christmas cards.
49. Taco Bell is my favorite fast food.
50. Sometimes I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom.

Mountains out of molehills

2005-12-01T09:22:00.000-05:00

As usual, I think yesterday I was making mountains out of molehills. I left school after second period because I think I would have choked someone if I had hung around. (Easy way to lose your job...choke a kid!) So, yes, I did play hooky from school, but it was for a very good reason. Amazing how much better everything seems less than 24 hours later. Simply having a few extra hours with Landon for Mommy-son time made all the difference. I'm still overwhelmed with everything I have to do, but when am I not? I just wish I wasn't so darn lazy. I'm finding it hard to accomplish even simple tasks.

Crossroads

2005-11-30T08:23:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life. The thing that troubles me more than anything is that I can't figure out if I'm just discouraged in my job or if I'm just being lazy. There seems like there's always "more to do" than I never get done, and it's bugging the hell out of me. I've had experience with a job (notice I said "job" and not "career") that you don't take home with you at the end of the day, you leave it all behind, but you leave it behind for a reason...it's menial work that you don't give a rat's behind for. I thought that once I began my career, something I actually CARE for, that everything would be hunky dory. No dice. I hate coming home feeling like crap because I had a disheartening conversation with a student about bad choices they are making (and not feeling like I accomplished anything by talking). I hate coming home and taking my frustrations out on Jerry and Landon, the two most important people in the world to me. And above all, I HATE that feeling of dread that I'm starting to get every morning before I come to school.

Even with all this, good things still happen. I found out yesterday that a grant I wrote to get some more music for the band was funded. I would think that something like this would really give me some encouragement that I am doing right things, but all it does is depress me more. Isn't that weird?

I know that there is a plan already laid out for how things are going to work, but it's just really stressing me out. Is Jerry going to get to teach my feeder program? EVER? Should we look for another situation? Should we move back to Tennessee? Should I just throw up my hands to the whole band directing business and start selling Amway?

Do you remember that motivational speaker from the movie "Requiem for a Dream"? And I quote...

"BE...EXCITED!! BE..BE..EXCITED!!"

I think I need a cheering section or something.

Former child stars

2005-11-26T23:18:00.000-05:00

I watched some shows on E! today regarding former child stars. It was enough for me to decide to NEVER introduce my children to show business, because inevitably 99% of them become embarrassingly unsuccessful adults. The only exception I can think of is Drew Barrymore, and look at what she had to go through to get there. She started drinking when she was NINE. Poor kid.

Adrian decorated our Christmas tree yesterday and it is absolutely beautiful. I love having a fabulous gay friend taking care of my decorative details. I may just hire him to design the rest of my life.

I don't have nearly as many Thanksgiving leftovers as I did last year. I don't know why on earth I make so much food, because I hate eating leftovers. They just end up being expensive dog food for Max and Maddie.

Jerry and his dad finally finished putting up our storage building today. Can't tell you how excited I am about that one. I can't wait to clean out our closets. (Wait, did I ACTUALLY just write that??)

Thanksgiving thankfuls

2005-11-24T20:32:00.000-05:00

So, it's Thanksgiving and I guess I have to post the obligatory "what I'm thankful for" spiel. Well, it's not really a spiel, I really am grateful.

1. I'm grateful for a wonderful husband and a gorgeous son, both of which I can't imagine my life without.

2. I'm grateful for a job that's not perfect, but makes me happier than almost anything else. (See No. 1)

3. I'm grateful for fooling myself into believing I make a difference in my students' lives, even if they don't give a hoot for me at all!

4. On the lighter side...

a. toilet paper (because leaves and/or Sears catalog pages really suck)
b. sweet tea and living in the South where it exists
c. Homestar Runner...thank you for making me laugh without being dirty
d. A hoodie sweatshirt and a cup of my special French-press coffee on chilly days
e. Target, for giving me an alternative to shopping at the oh-so-evil Wal-Mart
f. a blog where I can be totally random and no one will look at me like I've got lobsters crawling out of my ears

Guilty pleasures

2005-11-23T08:51:00.000-05:00

Let's talk about guilty pleasures, shall we?

Okay, I fully admit it, I have a major guilty pleasure...Nip/Tuck. It's the greatest show on TV. Never mind the gratuitous sex and icky surgeries. I'm totally addicted to it. So, Jerry and I are betting on who The Carver really is. We're pretty sure it was The Carver who took Kimber from the wedding last night. Either him or the evil twin that I'm pretty sure Christian has.

Okay, here's another one...it's crude and stupid, but I like the "Banana Phone" cartoon. (If you haven't seen it, go search for it on Google because I'm too lazy to post the link on here). The cartoon is kinda dumb but the song is kinda catchy.

"Perfect"

2005-11-22T15:29:00.000-05:00

How do some band directors just "step" into perfect jobs? Good resources, good community support, etc. I swear, my county is making me hate band directing at the moment. It's like we're on the edge of everything that's good, but not...if that makes sense. We *kinda* have community support, but in this county most people have "Patriot Pride." Having a new school kinda sucks because you don't have that tradition to fall back on. We actually got a chunk of money to buy instruments with this year, but it's just enough of a chunk to buy a couple of "biggies" - a sousaphone, a tuba. All that does is make me want more so that we can buy everything else that we still don't have.

Arrgh. And then throw into the mix students that think you owe them something. Or students that are flat-out lazy and don't practice. Or fundraise. Very frustrating.

You know that commercial that says, "In Perfect...blah blah blah...for everything else there's WalGreens?" Well in my "Perfect" there is abundant money for bands, there is a staff member for every instrument, students are willing and able to play, no one complains, everyone is happy and making music. Wouldn't that be nice?

I need to find a "Perfect" real quick before I get too frustrated and go to work in a factory or something.

Three years later...

2005-11-18T12:48:00.000-05:00

Hello again, three years later. I thought maybe I'd start this back up again. Sort of a soul-cleansing device. Get all the cobwebs in my head down on in print. I know no one will read this but me, and for that I'm glad.

My, how things have changed in three years. My band has continued to get better. We're still nowhere near "normal," but it won't unless certain circumstances change. I want my students to be good musicians but it just takes SO LONG. They need to be at a higher level when they come to me...I don't need to be teaching fingerings to ninth graders.

I have the other love of my life now, Landon Miles. He looks just like his daddy, but cuter. (Jerry, you do have to admit...) It's true when they say you don't how much you can love someone until you have a child. When I watch him sleep I just feel at peace with the world. I know one of these days he's going to grow up and scream, "I HATE YOU!" at the top of his lungs. That's going to kill me. Right now, though, I'm his hero. He's so cute when he looks up at me with those big blue eyes and smiles.

Getting better

2002-09-15T11:31:00.000-04:00

Hello, Constant Reader. I am still reeling from Friday night. In case you don't know me and haven't heard yet, the band gave an AWESOME performance at Friday night's game. It was a complete 180 from the first game. They were worrying me REAL bad at the rehearsal the day before. We just learned new drill this week! I didn't know if it was going to come off or not. Well, it did. Even the guard did great! I was also worried because the other band came and they had 75 total. I didn't think our little 25 piece band would hold up. But they did! I don't like to get into competition at football games, but I honestly think we did a better job! I talked to the other band director during third quarter, and get this....he was telling his kids to watch our feet, because we marched so well. US! I couldn't believe it. Of course we have a long way to go. But, I made a statement to the band after we were finished. I said if we kept working hard that there was no reason we can't win our class at our first compeition. I guess we'll see.

Ta-ta. Have a meeting I must get to.

Driver's test...again

2002-09-09T23:24:00.000-04:00

I think Dan Wiggins is the funniest guy on the face of this earth!
(And I hope you read this, because you are!!)

Anyways, I'm taking my driver's test tomorrow. This is so ridiculous! I've been driving since I was 16 and just because I move to a new state they make you take the whole test over again. I went the other day to take it and of course I didn't have all the right paperwork. I got back in the car, screaming obscenities, and then I had to wait 10 freaking minutes to get back out into traffic. Argh, what a day it was. I hope it's better tomorrow. I have all my papers in a nice little manila (aka vanilla) folder. Hopefully after this I can FINALLY buy a truck. All band directors need a truck.

Unsolved Mysteries

2002-09-09T20:22:00.000-04:00

I am totally addicted to Unsolved Mysteries. The theme music still gives me chills up my spine, not so much that it's scary, but I'm like, "Oooh! It's coming on!" I have probably seen every episode ever made, thanks to Lifetime. Some people may think it's all stupid female stuff, but it gives me my daily dose of Mad About You, The Golden Girls, and Unsolved Mysteries. That's all I really care about. And, no, Bob and Tom, it is NOT the "All Men Are Bad" Network!

You know, some pieces of music should NEVER, I repeat NEVER, be arranged for marching band. Here are a few examples:
1) Beethoven's 5th Symphony - What the HELL???? I've heard some God-awful renditions of this on the field by some supposedly-good marching bands. Beethoven should NEVER be marched, PERIOD.
2) Anything Bach - again, What the HELL??? Organ fugues do not a marching arrangement make. It SUCKS!
3) Chopin....need I say more?? The guy wrote FREAKING PIANO MUSIC!!! It does not make a good impression for marching band!
4) John Cage....Okay, I admit it, I like the guy, but his innovations should not be brought to the marching band field. 4:33 will not entertain your audience.
5) Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings....There's actually a magazine ad for Finale that shows a neighborhood, points to houses, and says how the people are using Finale in their homes. One of them says, "Misguided student arranging Barber's Adagio for Strings for marching band. They ain't lyin'.

For-get ab-oout id

2002-09-05T10:03:00.000-04:00

You know what? I'm so stupid. It's pointless to be depressed about things you can't change. The secret is distinguishing between those things you can change and those you can't. The things you can't, forget about them! ("For-get ab-ooout id," Mickey Blue Eyes). The things you can change, get up off your lazy butt and do it!!! I am just now coming to this conclusion. So the other day, after my last depressing post, I went to the band and said, "I'm not going to be Miss Nice Person anymore. I'm going to push you to the limit." And you know what? They responded. One of them actually mouthed, "Thank God!" I've been a wuss, a total wuss, all this time. I've been giving up. I'm not giving up anymore. I started pushing them harder and it felt wonderful. The things I said about changing? Sometimes that's hard to do, especially when you've got your mind made up. I had my mind made up that my band wouldn't do something as trivial as marching band during the school day. That was going to be a purely extracurricular activity, with symphonic band (REAL BAND) going on during Band class. Well, sometimes you can't have what you want. I wanted a top-notch marching band this first year with no sacrifices. So, we marched during band class yesterday. This solved the problem of not everyone being there to learn the new marching band drill. And you know? I hated admitting to myself that this was the answer. Hated it. I have said to myself for years that I would only do marching band after school. Not many people like to admit that sometimes you have to temporarily put your plans on hold in order to get to a higher place. We're going to get to that higher place. We WILL have a top-notch marching band. We WILL have a top-notch symphonic band. I WILL succeed. We WILL succeed. I just have to remember that for the next couple of years. It's not going to be easy. But I accept that. You never usually get the things you want out of life handed to you on a silver platter. Such is life.

Rock and Roll Heaven

2002-09-02T17:57:00.000-04:00

Hello again, Constant Reader. (That's a line I stole from Stephen King). Speaking of SK, there's a story of his I read that still freaks me out called "You Know They Got a Hell of a Band." It's about this couple that goes on vacation and get lost driving on some backroads. They end up in a perfect little town called Rock and Roll Heaven, Oregon. The couple soon realize that the town is run by dead rock stars and that once you find this place, there is no going back. They are forced to live there for the rest of their lives, working menial jobs and going to nightly rock concerts that really last for years. This story scared the hell out of me. To this day, when I'm on an unfamiliar road, I say to myself, "You're going to end up in Rock and Roll Heaven." Weird, huh? Over the years I've read quite a lot of old SK. That story and "Dolan's Cadillac" top my favorites in the short story department. As far as novels go, I'm partial to The Stand (complete and uncut). I also love his novella "Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption," which, of course, was the basis for the movie Shawshank Redemption.

This is Labor Day and I have rested from my labors. Of course, almost every day is Labor Day for me. I'm the laziest.....well, I'm not going to get into that right now.

Inconsistent

2002-09-01T08:28:00.000-04:00

Hello dear people. I doubt anyone is actually reading this besides me, but then again this is a good way for me to keep track of my thoughts. However, I must admit I am one of the most inconsistent people in the world. I start many things and don't keep up with them. In childhood I believe I owned about 10 or so diaries, and flipping through them now, only the first 20 or so pages are filled. I start exercise regimens and don't keep them up for more than a few weeks. Why am I like this? Sooner or later I fall back into what I will refer to as "regularity." Maybe I should call it "laziness." It's that place where you do only the absolute essentials that HAVE to be habitual (i.e. showering, going to work, etc). It's like my conciousness will not tolerate changes for very long. How do you make something a habit? A very good friend who is a musician once told me that if you do something for 15 days straight, it becomes habit. He was speaking in "practicing a musical skill" terms, but I digress. I challenge that. I think everyday you live is a constant struggle. Nothing is natural. Why do we have to fight so just to stay sane?

2002-08-31T11:38:00.000-04:00

Another rainy day here in North Carolina. The weather makes me want to stick my head under the covers and hide, even though I absolutely love rain. I suppose that doesn't make any sense, does it?
I am not happy with me right now. Yep, that's right folks, the old depression bug has set in. What the hell? I have a good job that only drives me crazy on days that end with Y....I think I miss my friends. I don't have any female friends, save for my co-workers who are older and have different concerns than me. I need companionship. I'm lonely. I want some chick banter. I'm completely heterosexual. But there's a part of me missing when there are no females around.