Peace

The last few months have been...hard. FYI: Birth control screws with your hormones and can make you a stark raving lunatic. Yaz did it to me. But they don't tell you that in the commercials. I'm off of that stuff and will never go on BC again.

Right now, everything just seems calmer, more peaceful, in a groove. I had lost about 20 lbs but I've put about 10 back on. I'm working on it. Everything else is just flowing. My and Jerry's relationship is really good. Is it possible to have a better marriage? I don't think so. The boys are growing and doing big things. It seems like bedtime comes way too soon every night. Work is just work, and I'm trying not to let it stress me out too much. I'm helping out with the high school band but I'm definitely not in charge anymore. I've lost some matter of respect, but in return I have gained the ability to drop it at a moment's notice to do whatever I need to do. I feel like I have a freedom that I have never had since I started teaching.

You only get one shot at life. Tkae more time to do those things that you will look back and say, "I'm glad I did that."

Resolutions

I hesitate to put these in print (bad luck), but I've got so many of them this year that I need to keep track of them.

1) Walk 20 minutes every day.
2) NO SODA. Water instead.
3) Eat better.
4) 1+2+3 = Lose 50 pounds.
5) Start Master's degree.
6) More family time (including dinner at table, outside time)
7) Keep house clean (routine)

Add more later.

Changes Ahead

So the new baby is due in about 2 months. It seems like the time has really flown by. It didn't go this fast with Landon. It feels like I haven't done a single thing to get ready. I'm going to turn around soon and this kid is going to be here, and I won't know what to do with myself. I'm really nervous about making the transition to two kids. Right now it works well, if something is going on, Landon can go to Jerry, or to me, to give the other person time, a break, etc. With two we're both going to be doing it full-time. I can't even imagine going to the store by myself with both kids....I can't even keep up with Landon. I'm really not looking forward to making all those formula bottles again. (And no, I'm not a bad mom - I do try to breastfeed but last time Landon almost starved because I didn't make enough - and I cried my eyes out about it. Not this time - who cares as long as the kid eats??) I'm not looking forward to the sleepless nights. And I'm really not looking forward to how much harder my life is going to be.

All these negatives. What am I looking forward to? Holding Lennox in my arms. Seeing Landon kiss his little brother. Seeing our family expand and know that it's the way it was meant to be.

I'm just so danged tired. Between band and the baby I'm absolutely frazzled. I need a break, but that's not going to happen right now. I'm looking forward to my six weeks off from school.

As time goes by

As time goes by, I realize some things:

1. I'm going to die someday, and that really scares me. I don't ever want this ride to be over.
2. I believe in God, I know he's there...but I don't know whether to trust all the things that have been told to me. How can the Bible be perfect? It was written by humans.
3. I'm never going to be skinny. And you know what? I'm okay with that.
4. It is impossible to make other people make better decisions. Some will only realize their mistakes with time, and some will always live in ignorance.
5. To quote the movie American Beauty, "this country is going straight to hell." I see it everyday...the US and the world are degenerating into self-destruction.
6. The best we can do is enjoy our time while we are here. We never know when our time will be up, and we don't know what's waiting for us on the other side.

I'm so lazy

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I posted a blog. Guess that tells you a couple of things: 1) I'm damn inconsistent 2) I'm damn lazy, and 3) I'm damn busy. Lots of things have happened in the past year. My little boy is now 17 months old and getting into EVERYTHING. My husband and I took new jobs together at a middle school/high school, just like we always wanted. It's an uphill battle right now (I've learned NO WHERE is perfect) but we've got a lot of things going for us. Right now the biggest thing is that the county does next to nothing to help its band programs. We only get $9 per student, per year, to run our program. That doesn't help at all.

Gotta get ready for work. Maybe write more later?

The Day After

Last night I watched a very disturbing movie called The Day After on the Sci-Fi channel. I don't normally watch Sci-Fi but there were slim pickings after American Idol. Apparently it was a TV movie from 1983 in which Kansas (and, I guess the rest of the world) is decimated by nuclear war. In the midst of all the charred skin, though, I found myself laughing, remembering Christopher Walken talk about the Soviets and so forth in Blast From the Past. That guy scares the crap out of me. Except for the "More Cowbell" skit of course....pure genius.

If You Knew the Real Me...

You know, sometimes I wish we really COULD wear our hearts on our sleeves, so that people know what you are really like deep down inside. Too often people make hasty judgments about you based on their previous experiences. Like, people assume that everyone they meet are underhanded, or jerks. Let me tell you about an experience I had this morning.

My son had a fever this morning, so I drove him to the doctor to wait for my husband to join us, so I could go on to work. I pulled in to the doctor's office next to this blue van and noticed the lady inside was taking her baby from the carseat. My son was being fussy, so I was going to get him out and have him sit with me in the front seat until the doctor opened up. I opened the door and it was a tight squeeze between me and the van (the parking spaces are very small). I was careful getting out but then my door squeaked and opened more, tapping her van. I looked down to see if there was any damage, couldn't see any, and went around to get my son out so that I could say something to her by the time she got out of the van. Well, I just about had him out when she called over to me, "You know, you can be more careful about getting out of your car." I responded with a sincere apology...I asked, "I couldn't see anything, did I scrape your van?" She answered with a nasty "Yes, you did." I said I was very sorry and even offered to pay for it, but she said no. She then said, "You didn't think I was in there, did you?" Like I was trying to get away with something.

This is why I wish strangers could know the real "us." If she knew the real me, she'd know that I feel terrible about what happened. That I won't stop thinking about it for a week, or longer. That I would have paid whatever it cost to make her have a better day. Not that I was some jerk looking to get away with marking up a vehicle. We were both stressed out with sick children this morning and we didn't need a confrontation with each other to make it worse.

I promise, this will bother me for a long time. And honestly, I'm trying not to judge this woman. Maybe she's sweet as pie most of the time and was just having a crappy morning. But I know that I NEVER intentionally try to make someone else feel like crap.