Crossroads

I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life. The thing that troubles me more than anything is that I can't figure out if I'm just discouraged in my job or if I'm just being lazy. There seems like there's always "more to do" than I never get done, and it's bugging the hell out of me. I've had experience with a job (notice I said "job" and not "career") that you don't take home with you at the end of the day, you leave it all behind, but you leave it behind for a reason...it's menial work that you don't give a rat's behind for. I thought that once I began my career, something I actually CARE for, that everything would be hunky dory. No dice. I hate coming home feeling like crap because I had a disheartening conversation with a student about bad choices they are making (and not feeling like I accomplished anything by talking). I hate coming home and taking my frustrations out on Jerry and Landon, the two most important people in the world to me. And above all, I HATE that feeling of dread that I'm starting to get every morning before I come to school.

Even with all this, good things still happen. I found out yesterday that a grant I wrote to get some more music for the band was funded. I would think that something like this would really give me some encouragement that I am doing right things, but all it does is depress me more. Isn't that weird?

I know that there is a plan already laid out for how things are going to work, but it's just really stressing me out. Is Jerry going to get to teach my feeder program? EVER? Should we look for another situation? Should we move back to Tennessee? Should I just throw up my hands to the whole band directing business and start selling Amway?

Do you remember that motivational speaker from the movie "Requiem for a Dream"? And I quote...

"BE...EXCITED!! BE..BE..EXCITED!!"

I think I need a cheering section or something.

Former child stars

I watched some shows on E! today regarding former child stars. It was enough for me to decide to NEVER introduce my children to show business, because inevitably 99% of them become embarrassingly unsuccessful adults. The only exception I can think of is Drew Barrymore, and look at what she had to go through to get there. She started drinking when she was NINE. Poor kid.

Adrian decorated our Christmas tree yesterday and it is absolutely beautiful. I love having a fabulous gay friend taking care of my decorative details. I may just hire him to design the rest of my life.

I don't have nearly as many Thanksgiving leftovers as I did last year. I don't know why on earth I make so much food, because I hate eating leftovers. They just end up being expensive dog food for Max and Maddie.

Jerry and his dad finally finished putting up our storage building today. Can't tell you how excited I am about that one. I can't wait to clean out our closets. (Wait, did I ACTUALLY just write that??)

Thanksgiving thankfuls

So, it's Thanksgiving and I guess I have to post the obligatory "what I'm thankful for" spiel. Well, it's not really a spiel, I really am grateful.

1. I'm grateful for a wonderful husband and a gorgeous son, both of which I can't imagine my life without.

2. I'm grateful for a job that's not perfect, but makes me happier than almost anything else. (See No. 1)

3. I'm grateful for fooling myself into believing I make a difference in my students' lives, even if they don't give a hoot for me at all!

4. On the lighter side...

a. toilet paper (because leaves and/or Sears catalog pages really suck)
b. sweet tea and living in the South where it exists
c. Homestar Runner...thank you for making me laugh without being dirty
d. A hoodie sweatshirt and a cup of my special French-press coffee on chilly days
e. Target, for giving me an alternative to shopping at the oh-so-evil Wal-Mart
f. a blog where I can be totally random and no one will look at me like I've got lobsters crawling out of my ears

Guilty pleasures

Let's talk about guilty pleasures, shall we?

Okay, I fully admit it, I have a major guilty pleasure...Nip/Tuck. It's the greatest show on TV. Never mind the gratuitous sex and icky surgeries. I'm totally addicted to it. So, Jerry and I are betting on who The Carver really is. We're pretty sure it was The Carver who took Kimber from the wedding last night. Either him or the evil twin that I'm pretty sure Christian has.

Okay, here's another one...it's crude and stupid, but I like the "Banana Phone" cartoon. (If you haven't seen it, go search for it on Google because I'm too lazy to post the link on here). The cartoon is kinda dumb but the song is kinda catchy.

"Perfect"

How do some band directors just "step" into perfect jobs? Good resources, good community support, etc. I swear, my county is making me hate band directing at the moment. It's like we're on the edge of everything that's good, but not...if that makes sense. We *kinda* have community support, but in this county most people have "Patriot Pride." Having a new school kinda sucks because you don't have that tradition to fall back on. We actually got a chunk of money to buy instruments with this year, but it's just enough of a chunk to buy a couple of "biggies" - a sousaphone, a tuba. All that does is make me want more so that we can buy everything else that we still don't have.

Arrgh. And then throw into the mix students that think you owe them something. Or students that are flat-out lazy and don't practice. Or fundraise. Very frustrating.

You know that commercial that says, "In Perfect...blah blah blah...for everything else there's WalGreens?" Well in my "Perfect" there is abundant money for bands, there is a staff member for every instrument, students are willing and able to play, no one complains, everyone is happy and making music. Wouldn't that be nice?

I need to find a "Perfect" real quick before I get too frustrated and go to work in a factory or something.

Three years later...

Hello again, three years later. I thought maybe I'd start this back up again. Sort of a soul-cleansing device. Get all the cobwebs in my head down on in print. I know no one will read this but me, and for that I'm glad.

My, how things have changed in three years. My band has continued to get better. We're still nowhere near "normal," but it won't unless certain circumstances change. I want my students to be good musicians but it just takes SO LONG. They need to be at a higher level when they come to me...I don't need to be teaching fingerings to ninth graders.

I have the other love of my life now, Landon Miles. He looks just like his daddy, but cuter. (Jerry, you do have to admit...) It's true when they say you don't how much you can love someone until you have a child. When I watch him sleep I just feel at peace with the world. I know one of these days he's going to grow up and scream, "I HATE YOU!" at the top of his lungs. That's going to kill me. Right now, though, I'm his hero. He's so cute when he looks up at me with those big blue eyes and smiles.