Crossroads

I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life. The thing that troubles me more than anything is that I can't figure out if I'm just discouraged in my job or if I'm just being lazy. There seems like there's always "more to do" than I never get done, and it's bugging the hell out of me. I've had experience with a job (notice I said "job" and not "career") that you don't take home with you at the end of the day, you leave it all behind, but you leave it behind for a reason...it's menial work that you don't give a rat's behind for. I thought that once I began my career, something I actually CARE for, that everything would be hunky dory. No dice. I hate coming home feeling like crap because I had a disheartening conversation with a student about bad choices they are making (and not feeling like I accomplished anything by talking). I hate coming home and taking my frustrations out on Jerry and Landon, the two most important people in the world to me. And above all, I HATE that feeling of dread that I'm starting to get every morning before I come to school.

Even with all this, good things still happen. I found out yesterday that a grant I wrote to get some more music for the band was funded. I would think that something like this would really give me some encouragement that I am doing right things, but all it does is depress me more. Isn't that weird?

I know that there is a plan already laid out for how things are going to work, but it's just really stressing me out. Is Jerry going to get to teach my feeder program? EVER? Should we look for another situation? Should we move back to Tennessee? Should I just throw up my hands to the whole band directing business and start selling Amway?

Do you remember that motivational speaker from the movie "Requiem for a Dream"? And I quote...

"BE...EXCITED!! BE..BE..EXCITED!!"

I think I need a cheering section or something.